The Boston Globe reported that the Massachusetts governor planned to meet with the new University of Western Massachusetts president, Dr. Porsche Mercedes, to ask a few questions about proposed building projects.

Key sources told the Globe that the governor wanted to know more about the proposed UWM faculty club to be located in the Berkshires, a club that would include a five star hotel and restaurant available to tenured faculty, an Olympic-sized indoor pool, a championship 18-hole golf course, hiking trails, ski trails, squash courts, tennis courts, and a five million volume research library. Though the governor felt the plan was reasonable and affordable and applauded staffing the facility with graduate students and part-time faculty, he felt the underground bunker was unnecessary.

President Mercedes, formerly the Stanford University vice-president of faculty enhancements, carefully and politely explained to the governor that the state could ill afford to lose its top scientists during an outbreak of anti-intellectualism, a vehement pandemic known to appear from time to time in human history without warning. The brain trust had to be protected from the benighted barbarian hordes, especially those from Vermont and upstate New York.

The governor also questioned the need to build a hundred room home for the UWM president complete with marble floors, gold plumbing, an entertainment system, a sunken tub with a built-in jacuzzi, a wet bar, and a 24/7 masseuse service. The governor, in fact, questioned the need to staff the mansion with maids, cooks, gardeners, and maintenance personnel until the Dr. Mercedes mentioned the work-study opportunities that would be generated, especially for hospitality industry majors and part-time instructors in need of supplementary income.

And finally the governor challenged the reasoning behind the proposal to build a subterranean nuclear physics lab near the Housatonic main campus. He was persuaded to support the project only after Dr. Mercedes mentioned that Massachusetts, like Japan, was almost entirely dependent on the United States for its defense. The Commonwealth had no means of preventing a rogue state like Connecticut from threatening use of the ICBM submarines stationed in New London to expand its tax base. Massachusetts homeland security demanded immediate development of a nuclear weapons capability.

After the meeting, the governor was convinced that the University of Western Massachusetts proposed construction projects rivaled if not surpassed the importance of the Big Dig. They were entirely justifiable to support the intellectual growth of UWM and economic growth of the state.

–the editors