10 Signs You've Spent Too Long in Academia (A Satirist's Guide)

You know you’ve spent too long in academia when the phrase “let’s table this discussion” fills you with both rage and resignation. Here are ten signs that the ivory tower has become less of a workplace and more of a lifestyle.

1. You Have Opinions About Fonts

Not just “Comic Sans is unprofessional” opinions. We’re talking “I can’t take this email seriously because they used Calibri instead of Times New Roman, and everyone knows Calibri is for people who’ve given up” opinions.

You’ve also definitely judged a colleague’s entire intellectual capacity based on their PowerPoint template choices.

2. Your Definition of “Urgent” Has Shifted

In the real world, “urgent” means someone needs something today, maybe this hour.

In academia, “urgent” means someone needs something by the end of the semester, but they’re emailing you now so they can claim they gave you “plenty of notice” when you inevitably deliver it late.

3. You’ve Mastered the Art of the Non-Answer

Student: “Will this be on the exam?” You: “Everything we discuss in class is valuable for your overall understanding of the material.”

Translation: “I haven’t written the exam yet, and I refuse to commit to anything.”

4. Committee Meetings Feel Like Normal Social Events

You’ve stopped being horrified by the fact that you voluntarily spend three hours discussing whether the department should change its logo. In fact, you’ve started bringing snacks and treating it like a social gathering.

This is concerning.

5. You Judge People by Their Citation Style

APA people and MLA people are fundamentally different human beings, and you know which camp you’re in. You’ve also developed strong feelings about the Oxford comma that you’re willing to defend at parties.

Yes, academic parties exist. No, they’re not as fun as they sound.

6. “Summer Break” Is a Myth

Everyone thinks academics have summers off. You know the truth: summer is when you do all the research you couldn’t do during the semester because you were too busy attending meetings about parking.

You also catch up on the 847 unread emails you’ve been avoiding since February.

7. You’ve Developed a Pavlovian Response to “Reply All”

The sound of a new email makes your eye twitch slightly, especially during hiring season, budget discussions, or any time someone decides to share their opinions about the new coffee machine in the break room.

You’ve also seriously considered creating an email filter that deletes anything containing the phrase “Just to follow up on my previous email.”

8. Your Bookshelf Is 90% Books You’ll “Get To Eventually”

You keep buying books for “research” that you definitely plan to read. Your shelf has become a monument to optimism and a graveyard for good intentions.

The stack on your nightstand has achieved structural instability.

9. You’ve Forgotten How Normal People Vacation

While others go to beaches, you go to conferences. While others relax, you “work on that paper.” The last time you took a real vacation, you brought three books and your laptop “just in case.”

You also can’t visit any city without checking if there’s an interesting archive nearby.

10. You Find This List Funny Because It’s True

If you laughed at any of these points with the hollow laugh of recognition, congratulations: academia has claimed you.

But here’s the good news: at least we’re all in this together, trapped in our offices, writing emails about emails, and wondering why the coffee in the faculty lounge has tasted the same since 1987.

If this resonated with you, you might enjoy my book Prof or not, here I come! — 324 pages of satirical therapy for the academically afflicted.

What’s your biggest sign that academia has changed you? Share in the comments below!